lost

i feel lost. i'm a wanderer. Tolkien said "not all who wander are lost" but honestly, i didn't mean to get lost. i feel so lost. i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't even know what my dreams are anymore. i've always been a dreamer. who am i really? what do i really want my life to be? what are my priorities?

i feel like i am just letting life happen to me. i just float through everyday. i don't make things happen. what do i even like? what are my opinions? do i have opinions? what do I like? who are my friends? i mean really. who are my actual friends? when am i ever going to find that one solid sidekick?

its funny how things that once mattered so much don't matter anymore. its funny how people who used to matter so much don't matter anymore.

i need direction. i need change, but i don't like change. i've established that. that's a good start. right? why did i just ask the question right? that is just evidence that i cant think for myself. why do i ask everyones opinions on everything? (especially yours-- whoever it is i am saying this to) i rely too heavily on others approval and opinions. why do i care so much?

white blanket of love

i love the snow. it makes everything magical. it softens everything and slows down time. all of my happiest moments have happened in the snow. not one bad memory. except maybe a little heartbreak which ended up being the best thing for me. it's just my favorite time of the year. the whole world changes color. flakes, flurries, crystals-- whatever forms it comes in, ill take it. we go back snow and me. we have a beautiful history. sleigh rides, ice skating, hot tubbing in the mountains while it was snowing, snow ball fights, hot cocoa, cuddling up and watching harry potter after a long day of sledding. not to mention the holiday spirit... it's the best time of the year. saying goodbye to christmas is like saying good-bye to an old friend, it always leaves me feeling nostalgic. snow is romantic. snow makes everything better. it's a white blanket of love.

i would compare how i feel about winter to how the majority of the population feels about summer.

snow, i am anxious to welcome you back with open arms. please come quickly.

I am going to start writing stories.

There are loads of little plots running around in my mind. Characters waiting to be born; with lessons to be learned. They are just waiting for me to write them down, to give them life. The tragic part is that I always seem to talk myself out of writing by telling myself the feat is too great or that I am not qualified... but everyday that I choose not to write them down the ideas slip further and further away.

One of my favorite things to think about is the fact that everyone has a story. I know absolutely nothing about the girl I glanced towards last week while driving... we were both sitting at the same red light. Her red eyes and dragonfly tattoo caught my eye. I have no idea what or who caused her tears, but there is something there... she has a story. Her story is just as real as mine is. We all have this subconscious desire to share our story with others, to share our search for purpose and sense of curiosity because we want to feel connected. That is the ultimate human condition; to be understood, accepted and loved. Maybe the reason I want to write so badly is because I am fascinated by the human condition.

On a side note... others usually don't understand why i carry my journal with me everywhere... but I can't imagine doing it any other way. If I don't have my journal or some other way to record my thoughts, this nervous tension traps my mind. When I don't write, I feel scatterbrained. I feel such a release and peace when I write. Does any of that make sense?

summer thus far

i could make up excuses as to why i have been a slacker... but i'm just gonna skip that part.

i have had a good summer so far. genuinely. i have sat down and started to type up a few posts but never published them because i never felt like they were finished. but now here i am one month later with no posts.... so here we go.

so my purse was stolen at the beginning of june. matt and i decided that we wanted to go to a little league baseball game just for kicks and while we were 50 feet away they shattered the back window and took my purse... i had left the strap poking out from beneath the seat. i can't believe we didn't hear it happen. anyways i was sick to my stomach not because of all of my camera or the money and gift cards i got for graduation were lost, but because i thought my journal --that i had just finished-- was in my purse. but low and behold i found it a couple weeks later hidden in my bookshelf. if you know me, you know that that is a  freaking miracle because i carry it with me EVERYWHERE i go.

a huge chunk of my summer was spent with that one boy... my best friend, who has now been gone for almost 4 weeks. i miss talking to him a lot but he is exactly where he should be, doing exactly what he should be doing. 

 the clan saying goodbye to matthew

right before Matt was set apart as Elder Daley!!!

you can laugh or you can cry.... us trying to make the best of it by joking around.
this was right before we dropped him off. 

 Ron and I trying not to cry.... I didn't even bother putting on mascara haha

see you soon matty!

4th of July-- my favorite holiday! 

our good friends the cole's came and spent it with us.

missing matthew at the stadium of fire

dance party afterwards! 

 i love you brad.

triple plank.

all of the girls!

Senior Trip. HOLLABUNGA. we road tripped to jemimah's grandmas house in Laguna Niguel. we had the perfect personality mixture. perfect weather. perfect beach. perfect food. perfect length. perfect roller coaster rides. perfect cheesecake. perfect temple. perfect shopping. perfect perfect perfect. i love my best friends jemi, savannah and amy.

 balboa bars! 

 spending the last dimes we had on mickey d's smoothies.

 my dream car.

 go-to faces

 we're the same person. not a big deal.

Girl's Camp. i wasn't going to go because i am 18 and all... but after i found out that my mom's ward was doing a ward girls camp in contrast to a stake girls camp i decided to go because i had never been to just a ward camp before. it was goooood. i learned a lot about myself and a lot about how God works.

Lake Powell spur of the moment. So good.

College prep time. deciding what classes i want to take, and where i want to live. Planning out my life... but something I have realized is that I need to be ready to allow myself to be interrupted by God. 

I am a working woman. Orem Owlz baseball stadium my friends... if you go to a game and want a hot dog, come to the north concessions stands and visit me!

other than that it has been a whole lot of swimming.... which is weird, because my summers have always been so jam packed i barely had a second to breathe.


Good is Gonna Happen. Good is Happening. Life is just GOOD.

besties are the best.

matty took me on a date a couple saturdays ago. he picked me up and we loaded our bikes in his truck and drove to wills canyon stop and rode our bikes up the canyon. then we stopped and had a picnic together which he prepared all of the food for... he makes a mean turkey sandwich & he sacrificed some of the delicious canned salsa his family makes. i'm the luckiest.

bye high school.

high school graduation--

my papa took us to cheesecake factory for graduation dinner & my mamma threw me a little BBQ, swim party for family and close friends the following saturday.

(i took about a kajillion pictures so here are just some of my favorites)

driving to graduate!!

so cheesy. we couldn't resist. 

mamma mia 

i can't decide which one i like better of us....

my baby sister. my lola girl.

brittany. my babe-ly sister.

 jemimah li marie. couldn't ask for a better friend.

 nicholas. you little cutie you.

 my papa. i think there is better one of us somewhere, but i don't have it and he couldn't not be pictured on the blog so here we are stuck with this picture.... i'll find a replacement soon enough.

anna faith sweetheart garlitz 

luke the cutest seven year old on the planet.

 lora. i love this picture of us.

eh. at least i tried..... 

 the abbstaahh

savannah girl

amers love you!

meggie mouse

 kimmy

layna bee 

brandon 

then we partied all night..... HOLLA. kiss our class goodbye.